all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
