I just saw a hot homeless man
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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