Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
