I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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