you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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