She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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