Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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