Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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