I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
