Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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