Jerry, you need to find god
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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