The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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