Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
