Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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