I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
