New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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