If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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