i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
