Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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