well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
