I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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