Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
