He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
