I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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