omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
