I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
