he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
