and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
