is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
