so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
