My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
