Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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