I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
