If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
