im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
