I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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