toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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