my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
