Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
