If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
