Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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