the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
