Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
