Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
