Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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