The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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