Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
