I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
