You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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