Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
