Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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