Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
