it's too hot outside to masturbate.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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